written in September 2006 after separation
by A aged 12
with permission

About a year ago my dad took me to Queensland for a holiday.
It was the worst trip of my life!
The people renting our house up there were moving out and dad had to move our things out of the shed and I wanted to see my best friend, S again.
My best friend S came over to visit us. Her parents won’t allow S to be left unsupervised and dad knew this. Well, Dad actually left us, he asked if we wanted pizza, we said yes, dad just left. Leaving me and S by ourselves. We were petrified. He just walked out the door and left. He didn’t even close it or lock it. He was gone for about half an hour plus. We were scared stiff. I can’t remember, but I think I got up and closed the door and locked it.
I felt so abandoned and embarrassed in front of S and she was scared that her parents would find out and we wouldn’t be able to see each other again.

One night Dad took me to get dinner where he downed plenty of beers. A warning came with each one ‘Don’t tell mum’. I was so scared. I know I know what dad is like when he drinks that’s why mum hates it. (I remember one night when dad lost his license DUI, he came into my bedroom drunk with the car keys in his hand and said ‘Tell your mum, I’m going out!’ He had just been arguing with her and put his fist through the wall. He terrifies me. The next morning he bagged mum out for ages to me).
That night he took me on the biggest bungy ride. A 12 storey free fall, he was swearing and cursing all the way down. When we got off he complained that he had paid too much. I felt like I shouldn’t have even been there. Then he took me to a PUB for more drinks. This was now around 10.30pm at night. I felt very unsafe. Dad left me by myself at a table with a very drunk man about 1 metre away from me, he could barely walk and was blabbering about something. I had never prayed so much in my life! There were drunks all around, a security guard had to come and stand with me, thank God! When dad got back we had to finish our drinks fast and go, the security guard had told dad that kids had to be out by 6pm and by now it was almost midnight. Dad just walked on ahead and left me trying to catch up metres behind, strutting and puffing out his chest. I realized I was on a 10-day holiday on my own; Dad was on his own agenda.

One morning I woke up and was told that dad had gone to the beach very early. Dad drove back from the beach and told us that his glasses had been stolen. He is extremely short sighted and he has to wear glasses to see and to drive; yet he drove 15 minutes home from Burleigh Heads in our friend's car that was for sale at the time. That afternoon dad drove me into ---- with me in the passenger seat, he made me read all the signs, asked me what colour the lights were, if there were any pedestrians and if he was in the right lane, etc. This was extremely scary as I had no idea of road rules. I was 11. My dad was very irresponsible and I never felt safe with him the whole time.

We had a garage sale at the house before we left. S came to help, as dad hadn’t priced anything, he told me to make up a price on the spot. When a couple asked how much the old fridge was I said $50, they bought it. When someone else asked how much the fridge had gone for, dad started complaining and blaming me that it was all my fault he hadn’t gotten a better price for it. I told him later ‘Dad, you made me feel like a jerk then’. Dad never takes my feelings seriously. I did something embarrassing and he went and told the new tenants about it even after I had told him not to. I don’t tell dad much because he doesn’t even listen anyway or he blabs it to everyone.
I told my mum I would absolutely despise to ever live with my dad on my own, for even one day. It would not be safe for any of us children.

February 2006
This year! We all went up to Queensland for a family holiday in February this year. Dad again was on his own agenda. At least this time mum was there. I stayed with her the whole time; we got to see lots more of our friends. One night when we were in the apartment, dad had a fair bit to drink, he was really angry. He had left his wallet somewhere and wanted to take us night fishing. So we all went for a walk to find the wallet along the esplanade. On the way there dad was shouting and very angry, then he yelled out a swear word, mum was so embarrassed, actually we all were and frightened, mum was whispering to him to quieten down and behave. By then lights had come on up in Apartments and people had rushed out onto their balconies to look. I hid in the shadows; we ended up finding the wallet on a bench. Dad was walking along leaning on D and I, like a man that couldn’t walk and complaining about something. We couldn’t stand him anymore; Dad left us and went out. We were left holding the fishing rods, so we went back heartbroken to the apartment. I don’t think we will ever go back to Queensland with dad.

My dad has his own Business that he does at the markets and shows. D and I would go on the weekends with him. When I went with him on the way to any markets early in the mornings, dad would drink beer the whole way there. I was disgusted but he didn’t care. If he wasn’t finished the beers by the time we got to the market he would pull over and finish it, getting rid of any bottles out of the car that someone might see. Once when he was drink driving, mum drove past. He didn’t see her, but I did. When I told him he swore and asked if she had seen us. He always told us kids ‘Don’t tell mum!’ then bad mouth her.

June 2006
We were going out to his parents place and he had a box of beers in the back seat. Before we entered the front gate he had made sure the box was not visible, ‘give me your jacket!’ saying if his parents saw them he would be in trouble. He drink drives with us kids in the car all the time. If mum’s not in the car, first stop is the drink shop!

August 2006
Several times at the markets, dad would run out of something he needed. So then his idea was to leave me running the cart for him. The cart is worth $10,000 and the new cooker is worth $3,000. I would argue saying ‘I can’t do that’, but he didn’t care, he would just take most of the cash and go. Me, by myself, only 11 and 12 years old. I would immediately turn the 200 degrees cooker off, so no one would get burned, as there were hundreds of people walking past. I would just sit down, scared stiff until he returned with his things. You could smell the beer on his breath. When dad got back he would make it obvious he was angry and annoyed about losing $70 because I had not kept cooking. This happened a few times. To dad, I am just a cheap staff worker that can be left alone with too much responsibility.

Dad was looking after us at home. Mum went to do the grocery shop. He felt a sudden urge for a bottle of coke and whatever else from the shop. Through lots of persuading we finally convinced him to take us with him. He still left the front door open to our house and told us ‘not to tell mum’! One of the boys told her. Dad gave him a dirty look and lied that he wasn’t going to.

D also told me that dad left D (9) and J (7) at home by themselves with the door open and house unlocked while he went somewhere with the assurance that mum would not be back with R and me for a while. He thought he could get away with it.

When dad left us last year and moved into his own flat, we had peace.

3 months later he moved back in promising us he wouldn’t get drunk or drink alcohol in the car again and that he was sorry for hurting his family. It only lasted 2 weeks and he was back into his old ways.

2006
Dad also lied to us when he told us he was taking D to see ‘Whale Rider’ at the movies. We only watch PG’s. When he got there he paid for the tickets and took D into a theatre. D wouldn’t say anything about the movie to me and he always talks for ages. I had a look in the paper and ‘Whale Rider’ wasn’t even on. Only ‘Incredible Hulk’ rated M was on. Children under the age of 15 are not to see these. I told D that I knew. He said that dad had taken him into the theatre and told him they couldn’t get out as they had locked the doors. He said ‘Dad told me not to tell anyone’. Dad is the biggest liar on the planet. I can’t trust him; he isn’t safe for any of us kids to be around.
D also told me that him and dad had been driving down the highway recently spotlighting. They had come across a stolen car on the old road, dad had stopped and checked it out, and then he continued to take music cassettes from the crime scene. What on earth is he teaching my brother?

Over the past few months, my dad has become more and more angry and confronting. Always arguing and blaming us. I know he has money troubles. He would always give us kids orders in the mornings before he went to work to have our sneakers on when he got home at 4pm, he’d planned to take us sprint training for our Little Athletics at the oval next to our house. (Mum could see us on bits of the oval from there) most afternoons he would get arguing with mum. D would ask ‘Are we going now?’ “Yep, in 10 minutes’ he would say. But 10 minutes would always be half an hour or an hour. Then we would ask ‘What we were doing at the oval today?’ Dad would say ‘2 laps’ usually heatedly, as though ‘don’t bug me’. Then if or when we finally went it was never anything like he said. We end up doing 4 laps and whatever else and felt very cheated. With a beer in each hand he’d leave for the oval. He would hide us out of sight of the house and we would hear about how bad mum was in his drinking anger. After 10 minutes of dads so called ‘heart’ we would walk down the street, just when we thought the lecture was over, he would start again louder and louder. ‘Dad can you be quiet?’ I said finally having enough. ‘Don’t tell me to be quiet!’ he yells even louder, then starts threatening me that I am too Christian and to back off. So, I run laps around the oval in tears, then we run home and dad starts at mum again. Mum’s tired of telling dad not to talk like this in front of the children. Mum puts us in the car to go for a drive and get us away from his anger. One night we saw a black cat get hit by a car and slide down the drain. We called the fire brigade and we got to set it free and got a free McDonalds ice cream.

One night we were all so sick of it. Dad was going off in the kitchen by himself. We were trying to watch McLeod's Daughters but dad was too loud. Mum told dad if he didn’t stop this time she would call the police. Mum couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t stop, so she called the police. Dad fell in a heap at the front door, telling mum what a horrible person she was. Then he left before the police arrived.

August 2006
On my 13th birthday my dad was cooking for me and my friends. I suddenly turned around, hearing a loud noise coming from the kitchen. Looking through the kitchen window I could see my Dad yelling at my Mum and waving his arms everywhere. Apparently mum had put too much chocolate syrup on a plate of ice cream. Dad left the house and I didn’t see him for the rest of the evening, leaving us to clean and put away all his cooking stuff. Happy Birthday to me!

A few days after my 13th birthday I asked mum some questions. ‘Why was dad like he was?’ ‘Why doesn’t he tell the truth?’ ‘Why doesn’t he do things he says he will do?’ ‘Why does he borrow money from us kids and forget about it?’ I even had to write it down when he did and get him to sign it. “Why doesn’t he fix our bikes?’ They have been sitting in pieces for 8 months. He never spends a day with us and when he does take a rare day off he does business stuff like every other day. Mum sat down on my bed next to me and said, ‘Darling, you know that dad has a drinking problem,’ I nodded (I think I knew more about it than she did). ‘Well, I think its time you knew the truth, dad has a problem with drugs too. I was hoping that by the time you were 13 that he would have got over it.’ ‘I don’t know if you have heard of a thing called Marijuana?’ I stared at her in astonishment. ‘Yes, I said. ‘Where?’ she asked me. ‘On the news when they do the drug busts and stuff.’ ‘Well, dad has had this battle since he was 14, I only found out after we got married and I have tried so hard to help him.’ She held my hand and cried. Mum and I cried together.

2 days later I had an uncontrollable sob. Why can’t dad just say no to drink and drugs? He has a choice, he can say ‘NO!’ Mum rang dad to tell him that she had spoken to me about his drug problem. He had got very mad. When he got home he came into my room and sat me down. ‘Now, I don’t know what mum has told you but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..’ He started telling me that coffee was a drug and panadol is a drug, so why is marijuana any worse? He said ‘It’s your choice if you take drugs or not, there’s nothing wrong with it.’ ‘I could sit down under a tree and smoke it all day because it relaxes me, but . . . . . . . don’t tell mum!’ Then he said ‘I started drugs from the time I was 14. Way before I met mum, and I find the pressure of financially providing for my family huge. And that he feels he can’t live up to everyone’s standards anymore.

September 2006
I really don’t need all this ‘adult stuff’ anymore. Mum spent 2 nights in the boy's bedroom as J was scared and she was scared of dad. He had bursted through their bedroom door where she had locked it and was hiding. Then on Fathers Day, mum ran out of the front door and sat in the garden because he was angry again, so us kids could have some peace. Then dad left. We went around to mum's parents place for Father’s Day – and Pop hasn’t let us go back to dad since. Pop now takes phone calls and makes sure us kids are safe. I had to keep my mobile phone off because dad kept calling me with adult stuff and I don’t want to speak to him right now as the last phone call he said that he had given up smoking marijuana and anyone that says he needs to be supervised with us kids needs their heads looked at. I said ‘its going to take a long time for us to believe that.’ He said ‘That wasn’t his problem.’ It never is. I have been told this is emotional blackmail and I don’t need this ‘adult stuff’ in my life anymore!

November 2006.
Dad is so unpredictable!
At Little Athletics he was acting all mushy with me, again! He acts like everything is perfect and that is so annoying. After his mushy act he started to walk away. Nan caught up to him to say something and he lost his head at her for some little thing. It shows how fast he can change. He badmouths mum and then comes up and gives me a hug! Its like he thinks I’m some dumb kid that he can toy with. But as I said, he never takes my feelings seriously!

A is the eldest of four children, the others being nine and seven year old twins at the time of writing. They currently have limited supervised visits with their father and he has applied for more time without supervision. The hearing is next week. She and her mother hope her story can help someone who reads it.